Offensive Astronomy: When Rats Target You From 15,000 km Away
Some threats are immediate. Some threats require patience, propulsion cycles, and possibly catering.
During a routine observation near an undisclosed Gallente customs office, our field staff encountered an unusual case of long-range enthusiasm.
A group of Serpentis rats, located roughly 15,000 km away near an asteroid belt, successfully managed to target a ship positioned near the customs office.
This was not a typo.
Not 15 km.
Not 150 km.
Approximately fifteen thousand kilometers.
The situation was confirmed when a cloak attempt failed with the following message:
“You cannot cloak your ship as you are being targeted by someone.”
The “someone” in question was a Serpentis Scout, apparently conducting hostile operations from a distance normally reserved for weather reports, orbital mechanics, and regrettable travel planning.
At normal speed, the approaching rats appeared to be moving at approximately 220 m/s.
At that rate, their estimated arrival time was less “immediate danger” and more “please prepare for boarding sometime after dinner tomorrow.”
One of the rats occasionally activated propulsion, briefly increasing its speed, before returning to a more spiritually ambitious pace. This reduced the theoretical travel time from “geological” to merely “administratively unreasonable.”
Suggested bridge dialogue:
“Prepare to be boarded.”
“When?”
“In about twelve hours.”
“Should we order pizza?”
“Large one. They are using propulsion modules intermittently.”
This incident has been classified as:
Offensive Astronomy
Long-Range Rat Ambition
Cloak Denial From Another Postal Code
Hostile Intent With Delayed Delivery
The Capsule Traffic Authority would like to remind all pilots that New Eden geometry is not always emotionally stable.
If a rat targets you from 15,000 km away, remain calm.
You are not necessarily in immediate danger.
You may have time to dock, make coffee, finish dinner, review your overview settings, question reality, and return later to see whether the hostile party has reached the same century.
Case status: Documented. Laughed at.
Filed under: “New Eden Working As Intended, Probably.”